This week lowk sucked asss,,, my friend would not stp talking shit about me and my other friends??!! i know shes projecting but god it gets super tiring you know. i really hate it when people dont care about me or pay attention, not like ajhh pick me i want to have attention!! no my friends litterally call me a drug addict loser and dont say anything good about me. everyday its either oh youre a fucking crackhead,, you look like a grandma!! and its only one person really. but ive been on edge all week. it did not help when nobody was paying attention whiile i was doing something i liked. god i hate talking to people about my interests because its either, oh youre so fucking autistic!! im not even diagnosed, bitch. or oh! okay! oh if its not those two its litteral silence and i look like a fuckass loser. AND THEN THEY WANNA ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED?? you really want me to be friends with you when all you do is talk about yourself and how ugly i am?? MY OUTFITS ARENT EVEN THAT BAD ATLEAST I DONT WEAR JUSTICE IN 8TH GRADE GOD. I also hate it when people wanna talk to you, cut you MID fucking sentance just to RANT about how they're stressed about somehting and then blink at me like theyre expecting attention and empathy. "Yeah i think that game is pretty-" "AHHHH MY TEST WAH WAH WAH IM SO STRESSED OH MY GOD" .. "uh" "oh yeah what about that game!" average alia interaction. like do you think im gona carry on with my thing?? No im gonna ignore you. end of my rant i want to slit my wirist. IM NOT DONE/ I HATE IT WHEN I GO SILENT AND THEN THEYRE LIKE "wah wah did you cut your wrists again?" "are you okay are you depressed??" come ON im gonna get that rifle and SHOOT you then probably myself
sobbing right now, i feel like he kjust called me because he was lonely. not because he wants to call me cause all we did was talk about him
October 24
i dont really know what i want to write today but listneing to this ost again made me feel like i needed to write something. I guess im just wondering why other people are so judgemental,,, i am personally judgemental when it comes to the people i hate but when its like somebody they dont even know its so random... hghfhfh i dotn knowi just feel empty,,, i hate feeling empty im not happy im not sad but im not like bleh whatever. to be honest this week ive been just doing things to try and make myself feel better. heh i hate emotions,,, i really do tho. its not even like something went wrong im just tired.
October 21 2024
I was just wondering yesterday, life is so miserable if you make it out to be but it can also be amazing... I was listening to this playlist and I was thinking about how we dont really cherish the moment anymore. Atleast I haven't. Last week was such a crazy week for me and the people i know. One of my 'aunties' died from a stroke, we think its from was brain aneurysm. The day before we were just having afternoon tea with her, I didn't think much of it, shes like 75. I never really talked to her, we talked like twice before. Honestly shes so nice, I wish I spoke to her more. Really that also reminds me of when people say 'people only care when you die'. That's not entirely true, yes you do get a reaction of alot of people but thats because they cared in the first place. If they didn't care they wouldn't cry or mourn. They care so much because they miss you. I think too much to be able to put my thoughts out but during that Bible camp i didn't like it. But not that i think of it i did have some meaningful moments. To be very honest I think a part of my frontal lobe developed.. But ever since I've gotten into gyaru i think my perspective of the world has changed. Although I am a judgemental person at heart what does it bring me,,,, nothing honestly so I really want to chersih everyday from now on. It'll be kinda hard because my way of thinking changes too often. This reminds me of suicide too, and this one video i saw. You can't heal if youre in the same enviornment that hurts you. Thats true but alot of us can't escape the enviornment that hurt us, so you have to build yourself up. If the enviornment around you can't change then you have to change yourself to be able to fit. It's hard and it sounds like im making everything your fault. I'm not. You have to understand to be able to listen. change doens't always happen immediatly and im guessing you know that but its so freeing. I have a strange feeling that i wont be thinking like this when im in another episode so I'll have to remind myself to read this.
9:43pm i guess i was right, kicked right back into an episode. i dont even know how to express my feelings, why woudl you play the game i wanted to play for several hours with you and not even ask to play it with me. I can see what youre playing stefan. im idont know im just sad, im dissapointed. i hate loving other people it always ends up like this, i hate the taste of my tears