October 24
i dont really know what i want to write today but listneing to this ost again made me feel like i needed to write something. I guess im just wondering why other people are so judgemental,,, i am personally judgemental when it comes to the people i hate but when its like somebody they dont even know its so random... hghfhfh i dotn knowi just feel empty,,, i hate feeling empty im not happy im not sad but im not like bleh whatever. to be honest this week ive been just doing things to try and make myself feel better. heh i hate emotions,,, i really do tho. its not even like something went wrong im just tired.
October 21 2024
I was just wondering yesterday, life is so miserable if you make it out to be but it can also be amazing... I was listening to this playlist and I was thinking about how we dont really cherish the moment anymore. Atleast I haven't. Last week was such a crazy week for me and the people i know. One of my 'aunties' died from a stroke, we think its from was brain aneurysm. The day before we were just having afternoon tea with her, I didn't think much of it, shes like 75. I never really talked to her, we talked like twice before. Honestly shes so nice, I wish I spoke to her more. Really that also reminds me of when people say 'people only care when you die'. That's not entirely true, yes you do get a reaction of alot of people but thats because they cared in the first place. If they didn't care they wouldn't cry or mourn. They care so much because they miss you. I think too much to be able to put my thoughts out but during that Bible camp i didn't like it. But not that i think of it i did have some meaningful moments. To be very honest I think a part of my frontal lobe developed.. But ever since I've gotten into gyaru i think my perspective of the world has changed. Although I am a judgemental person at heart what does it bring me,,,, nothing honestly so I really want to chersih everyday from now on. It'll be kinda hard because my way of thinking changes too often. This reminds me of suicide too, and this one video i saw. You can't heal if youre in the same enviornment that hurts you. Thats true but alot of us can't escape the enviornment that hurt us, so you have to build yourself up. If the enviornment around you can't change then you have to change yourself to be able to fit. It's hard and it sounds like im making everything your fault. I'm not. You have to understand to be able to listen. change doens't always happen immediatly and im guessing you know that but its so freeing. I have a strange feeling that i wont be thinking like this when im in another episode so I'll have to remind myself to read this.
9:43pm i guess i was right, kicked right back into an episode. i dont even know how to express my feelings, why woudl you play the game i wanted to play for several hours with you and not even ask to play it with me. I can see what youre playing stefan. im idont know im just sad, im dissapointed. i hate loving other people it always ends up like this, i hate the taste of my tears