meow

5/7 10:11pm

tired of everything. i hate my teachers. i have some new stupid project and its so like ew.. like cmon give me a break. i have a test thursday thena quiz friday and a project intro on friday again beacuse my teachers are all whores.i dont want to be here nobodies talking to me and i feel like ikm gonna killmyself i hate everybody i dont want to talk to any of these fucking cunts. everybodies so fucking stupid i hate everyone and i just want to jump out my window and get life overwith ebcause i hate everything here. i hate my parents i hate some of my 'friends' i hate food i hate water i hate school i hate my teachers i hate being a girl i hate everybody in my school i hate the heat i hate the cold i dont want to be here anymore nothing means anything to me anymore i fucking hate this place/ all everybody does is fucking leave me and then come back and be like "Sorry forgot about yoi!!!!!!!@!@!!!" like its not even a one day thing people just ghost me and come back like what the fuck dude if you wnna ghost me just go i dont mind. i hate it when people force themselves to like me or talk to me cause i dont like seeing them have to force themselves to even say hi to me. just dont talk to me?? whatever idk what im talking about. i just fucking hate everybody. most of all i hate empty promises. all they do is fucking hurt the other person just dont promise it man. i feel like i want to throw up really badly i hate throwing up so much it makes me want to cry actually i am crying right now i hate throwing up its so fucking scary i hate throwing up everytikme i throw up (which is like evryweek) i have some sort of meltdown after because i feel disgusting. also i hate my eating disorder its getting bad again!! and nobody cares!! litterally told my mom and she said just eat. bitch fym just eat im going to cry. litterally have to spit out food when shes not looking because i physically cannot eat it. whatever i hate everybody i dont want to talk to anyone but idk i do. talking too people makes me feel..like nasty. it makes me feel disgusted. its like when you sweat but you cant go take a cold shower. makes me want to throw up. ph my god i hate this so much can somebody kill me right now!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!! I HATE MY EATOING DISORDER PLEASE RELEASE ME OH MY GOD. I CANT SO THIS RIGHT NOW ALL IM THIJNKING ABOUT IS CALORIES I HATE EATING SO MUCH I HATE ALL OF THIS WhY THE FUCK AM I CURSE OR SOMETHING??? WHY THE HELL DOES THE UNIVERSE HATE ME I HATE THIS PLACE I WANT TO KILLMYESLF RIGHT NOW

idrk

5/6 11:25pm

nothings been going on latley ivd been fine and stuff.. which is nice so i just wanted to update things so like my blog isnt jus tm ebeing depressed.. but anything idfk what to talk about!! my back really hurts im in a really uncomfortable position typing this help i cant force myself to move

eating disorder :3

5/3 8:19pm

idk why ive been eating so much shit lately and i really hate it. like i just got a little uhh thingy of ice cream last week and i finished it!!!!!! feeling so cute!!!! i swear i want to kill myself now idk why i didn't stop before getting it idk why i didnt think of putting it back in the freezer, but now i feel so like ugly. i feel disgusted. i feel awful. i hate everyhting now. im actually crying now because i feel disgusting i hate eating i hate all of this. i hate eds too all it does is ruin my life but for some reason i still linger and not try and get help. i dont want help all theyre going to do is lock me in a psych ward and feed me and i dont want to eat i hate eating so much it makes me want to throw up and shrivel up. but at the same timme i hate my ed because i cant eat ccertain food i feel bad when people give me food. like when people give me chocolate, i just say i dont like chocolate but in reality its because im scared of all the sugar "but you still eat high cal food!!!" please leave me the fuck alone. i hate it when people are like "oh no you dont have an eating disorder you litterally ate a whole meal infront of me!!" well linda sorry that im trying my hardest and that eating a meal infront of you totally proves that im healed!! i totally dont starve myself for a day after!!! seriously its eating at my life i dont think i can go outside into public anymore. unless im forced but.. i just hate all of this i really hate this everything wouldve been fine if i didnt eat that fucking ice cream. if i didnt give it to my mom or some shit idek. if only i didnt fukcing pick up that spoon!!!! and im being dead serious i hate this. AND I DONT GIVE A SHIT IF EVEYRBODY THINKS IM SKINNY I DONT FEEL LIKE IT. I HATE ALL OF THIS. and i hate it when peop;le are like "well just eat" I CANT. I PHYSICALLY CANT WHENEVER I SMELL FOOD OR SEE IT I FEEL LIKE PANIC. IM LITTERALLY SCARED OF FOOD. im terrified by the fact that i need to eat. i hate eating so much whenever i put a spoon or fork into my mouth i want to rip out my eyes and bleed to my death. and its even worse because im chinese so in our culture i HAVE to eat. food is a representation of my love so when i tell my parents im not hungry, or i dont want to eat theyre sad. like my mom looks at me like i just stabbed her in 5 different places and it hurts to see my mom like that. i dont want to hurt her but i hate eating. or she'll be like i made your favourite! and i feel so bad because the stuff i like to eat is like the 15 hour processes and she has to take like 2 days to make it for me, and it hurts because she knows i love it so she made it with her love and i dont want to hurt her like that. cuz like saying/refusing that you want to eat is like 15 stabs to the heart and the organs ripped out to my mom. and its even worse with my dad because he grew up without food. since he was really poor he went weeks without food or barley any. like he had to eat grinded tree bark inorder to survive, so when i dont eat it makes him really sad na di feel so bad for him. and my mom she gets up so early to cook a good breakfast for me and it hurts to say no but when i sit down to eat it i feel like i need to cry. so for the past few days ive been refusing to eat them and she seems so sad that im not eating. and its not like oh yeah shes waking up at 6:30. shes waking up at 5 am everyday to get ready for work and cook breakfast and lunch for me and my brother. every single day. so when i dont eat i feel so bad because shes working so hard for me and my brother. my friends parents just puts money in their account (not saying that they dont care about their kid) but i feel so bad because i remmeber when my eating disorder was really bad and i never ate any thing for 2 days and my mom cried. she cried and begged me to eat and i felt so bad. now rmemebering that im crying again. i could hear the pain in her voice begging me to eat and i did and it made her so happy but i feel a pain in my chest. i was litterally about to kill myself eating with her that night. and like my dad he loves cooking special things for me. he cooks the stuff that his mom made him. and it hurts because then i have to eat it, his food is made usuing the memory of what his mom did in the kitchen when he was a kid, because he can no longer ask her to help him cook. so i feel really bad when hes like "i cooked this like how your grandma wouldve cooked it" bceuase he loves his mom so much and idk what im saying anymore but you get the point. i hate eating disorders all they do is ruin your life.

eepy

5/2 9:11pm

so eepy sooososososo eepppyyy ssssssssoooooooooooooooooooooo tiiiireddddd explodes. thank you for reading. faarewell

idek

4/28/2024 10:47 pm

i didnt really do anything today beside getting yelled at, saying nothing on call for 40 minuets, play evade, eat, and last but not least get excited just to go back to being depressed. :3!! idrk what to write. ill just write what comes to mind then !! (major yap alert bc i cant form full thoguhts)
i hate telling people in real life about my website. i wish i didnt!!!!!!!!!!! couldve been more fucking espessive with my damn website if i didnt!! cuz oh my god my friend saw my fucking website and started making fun of my website name. thanks really ive been thinking about it for 3 months now and im starting to really fucking hate every aspect of my website!!! god i hate bringing up personal projects with anybody in real life. cuz now theyre like "omh hows the proct doing!!!" bitch idfk what to tell them. i lost all motivation in everything and i havent worked on it in 5 months??? like god i need to start like stop talking. and for some reason thats reaallyy fucking hard for me!! wish i could shut the fuck up because somehow i ALWAYS i mean ALWAYS talk too much. and i hate that about myself. if only i could just be quiet and like idfk what im talking about anymore. i just really hate everything about my website now. probbaly gonna change the subdomain so nobody can find it anymore because i really dont want anybody to watch me build my website. but no theres always gotta be that one fucking person thats like "let me see yiur website ples-plspslsplsplsplsplsplpslsplsplsplsplspslsplsplsplsplsplspslpslpslsplsplsplsls!!!" like no im litterally hiding my chromebook away from you doesnt that give you a damn fucking clue that i dont want you on my website/??? and oh ymg god that same bitch is like "let me seey our blog waah waah waaah" NO??? LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE PLEASE???????? And like if i wanted to i would but i REALLY DONT WANT PEOPLE IN SCHOOL KNOWING THAT IM DEALING WITH ADDICTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!! this happend like a few months back idk why im still thinking about this but im actually kinda like pissed. like bro why the hell are you visiting my personal shit if i dont want you to?? and theyre like omg why are you so agressive?? BECAUSE I DONT WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IM CONSTANTLY ON THE FUCKING EDGE??? LIKE WHAT AND IF I LET THEM THEYLL START MAKING FUN OF ME??? WHAT??? oh my GOD. I FUCKING HATE TALKING TO PEOPLE CUZ ALLL THEY DO IS MESS UP MY INTENTIONS AND WHENEVER IM LIKE "no thats not what i mean" theyre like "no that is what you mean." WHAT DO YOU FUCKING KNOW ABOUT WHAT MY INTENSIONS OH MY GOD?? AND YEAH SORRRY I EXAGERATE ALOT OF SHIT WHEN IM TALKIGN THATS JUST WHO I AM?????? IM SO FUCKING DONE WITH THESE PEOPLE TELLING ME "why are you so dramatic???" "remmeeber wehn you said about blah blah blah" i was joking?? and let me give you an example i was like talking about how this kids skin was gonna be really bad when shes older because shes using like a shit ton of acids and like skin care shit and make up when shes in fifth grade and i had 0 intentions of like hating on her so i clarified that out and my two friends were like "youre litterally hating on her rn.." what? so i just shut up. wished i actyally jumped out the window behind me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate talking to people. im being so serious, like in school it seems like i love talking and i just love socializing but litterally i hate it so much! i just cant bring myself to stop talking in social events. ;ole when i get home im exhuasted, and like i just dont want to be here anymore!!!!!! i hate school. and peopke dont get it when i say i hate school, i HATE IT. I DONT WANT TO TALK TO ANY OF THESE PEOPLE. i want to stay at home and learn. im perfectly fine with doing homework and stuff but when it comes to talking to people that shit drains me out. which is one of the reasons why i cant get anything done when i get home because litterally all i want to do is drink away everything and sleep!!!! and i dont know if its just my hormones throwing me off but i think im going back into a episode!! hip hip horay. it took like ONE day just to throw me off! and im tired. im tired of getting better just to come back down, and nobody gets it no its not a fucking 2 week period thing wheer im sad for 4 days im happy then sad. Ive been depressed since 9, 2 years of my life just down the drain. i dont think anything good happened when i was 9-11!! but then finnally when i got a therapist and some of my life changed i was finnally happier. i went outside (seriously), i talked to people, i smiled, i wanted to do things!! i was motivated. i made this website and wanted to learn anything and everything i could about html and css. and then out of fucking nowhere im back to the begining. acutally i knew this was starting a month ago. since i started to lose motivatin in everything again. my grades were dropping, i couldnt get myself out of bed, drinking, cutting, i was thinking about suicide more ect ect. and do you know how fucking painful it is to lose yourself just after getting better???? wait maybe im losing it i didnt get better till around late july-october. yeah before htat i could barley even come out of my bed to eat. nevermind that. you get the point and no it wasnt seasonal depression because in the summer i couldnt get out of bed. i didnt even know the date, time, or sometimes the month. i was just stuck in my bed the whole 2 months. AND my point ISS im fucking losing myself again!!! im so happy. and i feel trapped inside my body /srs i dont want to feel sad i dont want to get worse but i am. its something i cant escape from and im very self aware of it and it hurts! whatever im sleeping before i do anything to myself

Im going insane

4/26/2024 8:51 pm

first (not really) blog post!! already have emo shit to talk about :3 whatever. I fucking hate this, i hate all of this i hate crying and i hate evrything about myself i hate everybody i dont want to be here anymore. i cant open up but i hate it when people dont get it. and most importantly i hate it crying. its been 3 days and for 3 days ive been crying all night. and istg if somebodies like "okay well i cant cry so!!" IT SUCKS. id rather not cry. i hate the feeling my my chest aching over some stupid shit. i hate being sensitive, cuz one small thing will cause me to collaspe. talking to me is like walking on eggshells. i hate it, i feel like a burden to other people. i dont want to be here anymore. and whats even worse is during class i feel like i want to cry but litterally nobody takes me seriously. since like im always like i dont want to be here, but why cant my friends take me seriously when they see tears in my eyes?? whatever. i really want to be done with all of this. and its even worse because if i do open up im just hurting other people!!!!!!!! if i tell people (my mom or others) about how they hurt me all they do is tell me that theyre hurt by they. and how "oh i didnt know!!" and start saying that its all their fault or something. its not their fault its mine, if i wasnt too senstive i wouldnt be crying like a literal child. and yes ill cry because you didnt want to call me 3 days ago and instead went on to play games with literall strangers. yes i will cry because you told me you would call me later but you didnt and just went to go call your friends, ill cry because you forgot about our pomise, ill cry because you forgot how much time youve wasted on other people when you couldve been talking to me. ill cry because you talked to other people and didnt even other checking if im going to sleep. by now im pretty cure you cant figure out who im talking about (since litterally only one person reads my blogs). i dont know anymore man. atleast its better than the time i starved myself because myex didnt respond!!! (its getting that bad.) istg im starting to lie to myself that i dont care anymore, but litterally i cant breath right now. im being serious its getting really hard to breath i dont think i can do this tonight. jesus im shaking right now, my palms like just had like though pulsating pain responses. i dont know why its so hard to just fucking talk to me. talking about my friends mainly but other poeple too. they forgot about me whne i was sitting right infront of them. like seriously?? damn i know you guys hate me but you dont have to make it that obvious. the urge to kill myself is getting stronger!!! i dont think i cant make it!! okay back to whatever i was yapping about, i dont think apologizing can do anything anymore. its been an hour and i havent stopped crying. like its not just tears falling out im SOBBING. im violently crying right now!!!! yay!! its been 3 hours and 22 minuets since our last real conversation! new record!!! all we've been doing was playing games and ive been crying. idk what hes doing but i mean good for him hes having fun playing fallout 3 or whatever the fuck that is.
heres out last convo!!!!!!!!! his username isnt really :3 i just put it there for shits and giggles. but yeah!! that was before i wanted to killmyself and rot!!! part of me wants him to feel like shit and another part of me wants to see how long it takes for him to get off the game. so we're going with the second option cuz i really really really REALLY dont feel like talking to him. maybe ill block him again dunno. actually i blocked him yesterdat for the same reason. i was crying and i didnt want to put up with his bullshit so i blocked him, and then he messaged me on his alt which kinda made me like feel idk.. im gonna sleep i cant deal with any of this

edit: its 9:46, 36 since he last texted me. I think this is a new record!! I litterally just stopped crying and was laughing at a video my friend sent me!!! what the fuck!!!!!!! i cant take this anymore. and what i FUCKING HATE is when epople are like sorry osrry!! AND DO ABSOLUTLY NOTHING TO FIX THEMSELVES OR TRY AND MAKE THINGS BETTER. I HOPE YALL DIE..

edit2: what the fuck my 'friend' just said like if somebody told them that their grandma died they owuldnt care... i dont think i can ever look at them the same. and yeah im desensitized by alot of things but for some reason this just like make me feel disgusted. maybe its because my grandpa died last year so idk but seriously im so like oh. Why are people like this honestly. i wish people didnt change like for the worse. and tehn my boyfriend is like being idek atp im so done with everybody i know. i fucking hate all of these people i wish i never met any of them.