meow
i hate living evertbody hates me im gonna slit my wrists AGAIN dude////////////////////////////////////////// god why am i lbivijng i haet thjis evrybhody makes me feel stupid............ gpd ikm cryig agajn i hate everybody and i hate my boyfriend can i even call hkm thagt anymore .......... i ahte him so mjch ikm gona throwup i aht hikm so fuckjgn much ikm goknna kill hkm pls god end me now WHY IS IT TALIGJN TO ME IM GONNA RIP MY HEAD OFF SOKEMBODY SLIT MY THROAT ALREADY jgghghhn i hate everhbnody i want to die pls kill me i need to.. i need hikm to die i hate him wheres the kmife i cant take this anhr,em sfvhdfbfmndvbfbnmgbdmnb xbfcvbnx bcv
i hate liars...
11:02 listening to glare
bleeh i feel siickcckkkkkkkkkkkk i ve been feelijgn sick uhjhg today i was lied to... honestly not tew suprised he lies to me like veeryother daaya......i jsut dont llike it when eople lie to me.. whatever i feel sick wheni tak tew hikm baisicaly thats it i litterally cannot trust anyhting he says bc he lies like everysignle say HEP he even toldm me thatoknce and agter that i just never took anything he said to heart for the better beacsue i feel like if i did id die but wahtevr
WHY WIBT ENYBODY TAKE ME SEIROSULY
AAAJ
WHY WONT ANYBODY TAKE ME SEIROUSSLY im gonna end it i hate hatehahtehtahthehtahethhathteaheahtheahteahthaehtahethaehtea living i hate eveyrbody i HATE my boyfriend he NEVER takes me seirosuly i feel stupid talking to him EVERYSINGLE DAY i hate him i hate hatehhaehthaehthaehtaehta him im ending it all i hatheahtaehthahehaehtheaae livng i ahte myself i jhate school i need a gun somebody give me a gun im ending myself i crave for bullet sin my head iw ant hikm dead i hatehathehtahtheahtea talkijng to him he neevr takes ANHYTHIGJN i say seriosuly i hatehim he doenst care aboiut me i m goijng to shoot ymself ikm goijng to shoot him i hate ihikm i hate men i hate hate hatehate livjng i havte everydhoiuy i hate math i hate class i hate school i want to kill myslef inahte hate hatemy bnoiuyfrijend i hate evrybdiu im hungrhy they took my caramel awya i ahte my parents i ahte lving I WANT TO DIEI GUHGFGDFHGDHFGRGSRHGKJRSHGKJSRHKGHSAGHOEIRHGAKLEJRGKLJSDRHGKJLSDHKRGJRKJGHRKJGHRJKGHKRJGHKJRHGKRJHGKJRHGKJSARGHKJRLGKDF AHHHH im goknna strangle sokmebdiuy i neeed to die i wnat to die i dont wanna be here living sucks everyhting SUCKS 9:51 im shooting myself fofr some reasonthis scoially unaware RETARD CANT udnerstand that im not in the mood and keeps makign FUJN of what im sayijng andmakign what im sayijng inot jokes i am NOT JOKING I am being very seirous and he makes me out as a joke this is what i mean nobody takes me seriiosiuyl i want to end it IM GONNNA END MYSELF GSUHG i hate gim he okjnly makes me feel sad,anger, depressed, hurt wahtever all of the above except for loved so i guess thats nice whatever IF YOIRU READING THIS I HOPE YPU KNOW WHEN YUIIU TRY AND IGNORE THE FACT THAT IM GKNNA CRY IT MAKES ME CRY HARDER AND YOIU KMNOW THIS SO DIE
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too laxy to write this all in morse code. im really tired of this im barely exsisting anymore.. what is there to live for anyways everything that i like eventually start to hurt me. so really whats the point of it 
god i hate living its so miserable when will it get better!! im only 13!! everythigns just piliing ontop of eachother and drownijgn me atp.. and honestly i was trying to be ahppy earlier but oh my god it just got worse and worse and worse!! i was at the brink of dowing 40 shots of vodka and a certain somebody just KEPT on reminding me about the thing that was making me want to kill myself the most. and really at that time i was already over it i just made a post on piki for whatever but he just went on and on and on and really eventually i just broke down crying because i really couldnt take it anymore. and i do really love him its just why!! the bugs almost took over and i was going crazy.. im about to cry again i really cant do living anymor.. honestly i wanna die happy but how am i supposed to do that! life sucks i really cant tell myself itll get better becaise its just been downhill since i dont know. maybe 9? getting so bad i have to reach out to 988 again. i dont know.. wjat is there to live for? pets, dont have any.. friends???? tbh im always the second option with my friends, they only like me when their other friends are gone. if you can even call that being liked. website???? its draining. my parents vaisically, and my boyfriend.. honestly im not too quite sure if he likes me or not. he alywas tells me "why dont you think i care about you?" well why would i? im really sensitive, what do you emna yoiu didnt thijnk aboiut playuijng wiht me yiu litterally just said it and left im proabbly jsut over reacting at this point. my heart hurts im sad i look insane im tring to cope with siinamota and im violently sobbigjn.. im so out of it i hate all of this. i just wanna die dude theres nothing in my future im so stupid why am i never taken seriously? i hate this. i feel like i should just die now. i need to sleep forever. i genuienly cant handle this anymore. why am i alive!! i wish i died earlier. fuck the nurses who tried savinf me as a baby i wish i diedtheres nothing good for me anyways im just some retarded loser that cries all day and wishes she died. im really taking up space, im useless. i should just die really.mnobdy really likes me anyways.. whateevr i hate this. i should just slit mylegs again and drink. thats all im good at. i hate myself and i hate everybodyelse. and im tired of hearing sorry, "im sorry wah wah wahahahawhwhawh i didnt mean to hurt you!!" then why didnt you think before hand. whatever. honestly he said sorry so much i think hes just saying it to make me feel a bit better. or to make himself feel better because i know its not making me feel any better actually it makes me want to shoot myself more. who cares anymore, and honestly i hate it when people tell me they care and then make me cry. all people do is make me cry im better off alone. every single god damn day i cry. every day. if i had a dollar for how many times i cried in this week id have like 5 so far. i hate everyboidy i wish someboidy shot me already. i feel worse. somehow,, i feel the worst ive been all day. im throwing up. and km bakc i threwn yp. i feel so sick. i wish my attempts a few years back worked. i wouldnt be suffering so much now. and to all those people telling me itll get better its not. im BARELY alive. end. vbaisically im gonn a killlmjhsef and for some reason everyboyd starts screaming cryijgn when i say im gonna kill myslef. where was that when i showed obviosu signs of distress abd you played it off as me being funny????????? i hate not ebing taken seriously. i guess people dont care enough to really see what i mean. alright im sleeping hopefully i dont end up bathing with the toaster i just said i was gonna sleep im bleeidng out LMAOAOAOAOOAOAOO wont say where;;;.;;,./..
Meow!
Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
'Cause you don't love me any more
Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do the stars glow above?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when I lost your love
I wake-up in the morning, and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does
Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said, "Good-bye"
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
(Why do these eyes of mine cry?)
Mmm, mmm, mmm
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you said, "Good-bye"
triple tuesday..im totally about to relaspe and drink and try and kill myself 2NITE!!!!! i dont think any of my friends can take me anymore.........i think they think im super annoying...whats new though i always think people hate me.. meowmewoeweweowmeowmewmewomem im trying so hard not to kill myself but i got ignored for 45 minuets today :sob: i think they really do hate me LMAAOAOOAO and honestly i dont feel like i need to write a note. they wouldnt really care anyways... like my closest friend only cared about me when she didnt have other friends around. and my friends in my grade ignore me everyday HELP :SOB: god im actually a loser..
i used up all my bandages... i have to use cotton pads!!!!.. tommrow i guess i have to wear long sleve... gah so hot! honestly i feel like people only car euntil i want to kill myself....... :< why is everything going wrong!!! hate this.... my compuers tweaking out!! my arms kinda sting so it hurts to type.. i hate it when people say light scratches are stupid its really idk whatever.. i hate this place really im gonna sleep.. have fun in florida!
KILL ME!!
9/6
dawg i cant do school at all dude....i gyat a QUIZZ ON MONDAY :SOB: vro im gonna kill myself i honestly cannot do ANY of this anymore.........................................what the freak bob honestly nobody really likes me in real life LMAO i'm honestly probably doing them a favour :sob: honestly im tired of people saying sorry over and over and over and over again, like it gets to the point that i feel like youre just saying that to say it. like dawg you cant expect me to believe you when you sayd "i'm really sorry" 5 times in one week.. dawg you are NOT sorry and you are infact lying to my face. whatever and its like when i start to not care or im just like oh okay theyre like wahawhahhawhwahwahhwahwahwhhwaaaaa like bruh tbf im probably gonna start isolating myself if nothing gets better because i swear the more i interact with the people i like the more it makes me wanna relaspe and its not great.. cuz all they make me feel is drained. i feel like sometimes they just talk to me when theyre bored and they dont actually care!! i hate this its the third day of school and its like the 3rd time this week that ive cried. WHEN WILL IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! guys when does it get better its been 5 YEARS!! freak...hghghh people make me wanna die.. why did NOBODY pick up when i was almost getting kiddnapped!! litterally nobody picked up until i called my mom for the second time. i can't do this anymore.. i hate crying it makes me all sticky and ugh i will NOT be doing any forgiving for those who are asking!! (very targeted) i kinnndaaa cant forgive somebody who repeatedly made me cry LMAOO!!!! no im being serious stop making me cry im actually going to tweak out if i cry one more time idk how much longer im gonna be alive :sob: and im being so serious i cannot deal with this rn gah!! i just know in a few hours im gonna go back and become attactched just for him to ignore me again. whatever atleast i know its coming.. oh my gyat is it reading my blog.... AHHHH hai... just to let you know im not gonna talk to you for awhile you really did it this time LOL!!! not like you havent like the other 15 times and i almost killed myself because of it! yeah whatever youre gonna be like oh wah i feel so bad im so sorry wah wah wah i feel so sorry forgive me waaahbwaahahwabwahwabwafwahfawha whatever. hhghghh i cant drink ill actually throw it all up... i dont have cigarettes... i COULD cut myself but i prooablyk should wait until its cold enough to cover up.. cant let people know what epic things im up to at night. acutlaly ill just respond to his texts here because i dont want to tell him straight up. "____ do you hate me for this" yes but ill forget about it later, for some reason i keep crawling back LMAO!! "please forgive me" no "i feel sick" me too!!! you make me feel like my hearts about to burst i can feel it aching, i hate you so much all you do is make me cry and cut myself, honestly im gonna say it straight up, the only reason i got rid of my year streak because of you. and its only gotten worse since then. all you do is make me feel happy for a couple days and send me spiraling for a couple weeks. and remember when you said something along the lines of dont focus on the end, i quite litterally cant when i can feel it coming to an end. i know when youre gonna mess up and im gonna get thrown back into the loop of crying and drinking again. i was sober for a while. and im always scared of when youre gonna ignore me again. i remmeber in taiwan we were happy for 2 weeks at the one week mark i was paranoid you were gonna stop paying attention and guess what happened........EXACTLY what i was overthinking about.. and then you want me to forgive you. i hate crying i really do and you say you hate making me cry yet thats the thing you do best. its like youre two talents are making me cry and being smart at compuyerts or whatverbn. im tired.
worst night of my life
9/2
yesterday was the worst and whatever fuckign conversation my boyfriend started with me caused me to cry, relaspe, and im probably like the most suicidal ive been.. alright who wants me to stream my suicide cuz ill do it i guess
dunno
too lazy to check
havent wrote in a while, im forgetting about my blog tbh... but whatevr schools starting school nad i bought campus notebook!! hopefully that'll motivate me to actually work. i'll try and remmebr the less depssive things thats been happening but uhhh oh yeah i went to aruba, it was fun i guess i got sick though. I still am.. kay thats aboiut it
when will i get betterrreughggh feels like its getting worse its getting harder not to relasp agin.. and ive been clean for months now. sucks.. and honestly watching i believe in unicorns was life changing but tbh now its just a fuckass trigger, i sound like arson. but im beimg serious i cant stop thinking about what happend in the past and i feel so gut wrenthcxijndfjngdly disgusted. like i feel like im ripping the skin off my organs turning them inside out ripping them out shoving them abck in and throwing them up. i feel disgusting. i feel gross. i feel like ive been sitting in the sewers for ages, and i cant get it out. i feel like theres mold inside my skin and the only way of getting it out is dying. i feel used, and its even worse now because i remembered how it was like to be pure. to be inncocent, and having it taken from me just like that. i hate men. i hate all of them. theyre all sick and out for their own needs. selfish leaches that suck you until you have no more blood left and leave you out on the cold winter road. i feel disgusted at the fact that i LIKED the attention i got and i enjoyed it. i feel so gross that i let myself just do that. what went so terribly wrong in my head that i was talking to grown men for a bit of validation in my life. i hate life i want to kill myself. the only way to getting back to my past self is shooting myself. i hate who i am. somebidy just kill me now im honestly just taking up space in peoples lives. i honestly dont believe ive done any good in my life. i hate myself i hate everything. im going to kill myself :p hopegully soembody picks up on my obvious jokes before its too late LMAO Couldn't even cry to this, I relasped immediately!!! Clean up on aisle MY LEGS
NSO (listen to the nso sound track while reading, it'll make more sense)
August 20th 7:28pm
I feel like I am the real version of Kangel, no I am kangel. Nobody else can tell me that. I'm not real, nobody gets me. I'm tired of these people telling me the whole point of NSO is that Kangel isnt supposed to be relatable. Whaatteverrr... I am kangel and i believe it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not psychotic..... people try to tell me either way but i dont like listening to them because they just are haters... and theyre so negative for no reason! I think that if we all got together and became friends that would be so cool!! Actually if im going to be completley honest I might as well kill myself...because Ame-chan did it~ nyaaa im so relatabllee.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KAngel is god..................i believe in KAngel!!! anyways...bed rotting time... anyways whyy is javascript soo confusing.......everytime i think about my shrine my head hurts
i hate life it wont let me add kaomojis.. FOR NO REASON. hhh i need to drink..... AH LIFE IS GOOD JAX HAS COME AND OFFERED TO MAKE ME A BUTTON!! hopefully she isnt just playing tricks on me....she is not.......YAYYYY life is well! for now. i hate talking to people who dont even reply like what is the POINT and when i dont and i talk to people who are INTERESTED in what i have to say they get all sad and mad and jealous or WHATEVER. its so incredibly stupid that sometimes their stupidity makes me want to put a gun to my head.
talking to people is so exhausting... i wish i could talk to my computer or something because god talking to real people is SO exhausting.. and talking to myself gets boring after 6 hours so really ugh... i hate talking to people.. 3: its more tiring than coding tbh.. i get burned out soo much easier
god people are so senssiitiivee (me) cant even just take a break for them to start crying (also me im a very strong hypocrite)
Starting fresh..
8/16 10:09
Its been a while and im back into the states. exhausted.. will sleep soon. i modded genshin so thats fun, im on na add me on disc if u wanna play w me.. anyways gn guys stay positive my bed rotting queens